Pressure is on - day 52

Today was my first day of summer break, long days at school, I would fantasize about this day and it's promised freedoms, and that would help push me through to the end. 

Well today finally came and it was a huge letdown lol

But that is how life goes. We plan every detail of a wedding day, and on that day, it just does not as monumental as you hoped it would. We spend weeks and months preparing for a new baby, and when they come, our birth story wasn't what we wanted, or realizing that having a new born is more challenging than we anticipated. We spend years working toward retirement, only to get there and realize how empty and listless we feel.

Today did not go as I had planned. I had put so much pressure on this day, so much expectation, there was no way it could have lived up to everything I was hoping. 

I have a lot of fear that I will come to August and see that I have accomplished nothing. I am so stressed about wanting to write, that my mind has gone blank. I feel like if I don't write a manuscript in the next two months, that I have wasted a perfect opportunity. 

Today I took my son to school, picked up groceries, put them all away. Then I read my book for an hour, meal prepped breakfast and lunches for me and Andrew, and went and saw my nephew. I went to my back doctor appointment, got an x-ray, came home and ran three miles. Then I picked Henry up from school, made dinner, played with and bathed Henry, put him to bed. Then I had an hour long book club meeting. And now I am writing this. 

I guess by most measures, it was a successful and productive day. 

But I didn't sit and write and that frustrates me. 

Maybe tomorrow I can sit down and figure out some kind of daily schedule, like how a true work day is structured.