Peyton Kathleen

To be honest, I feel like I needed more things after giving birth than Henry did! Henry needed fresh diapers and my boobs lol that's about it. I needed EVERYTHING. I exclusively breastfed and had a C-section, so my list of mom needs might be different than someone who is using formula or had a vaginal delivery! Take what you will.  Breastfeeding: For me, the best piece of advice on breastfeeding success is- you have to give zero fs about who sees your boobs. Your father-in-law is over, sorry man, but I'm pulling out my boob whether you like it of not lol. My philosophy is, if it makes them uncomfortable, they can leave or look away. I breastfed everywhere- the back of the car, a wedding reception, an accounting office, the botanical gardens in Fort Worth... if my baby was there, my boobs were out! You can try and cover up, but you'll get so hot, your baby will swat the blanket down, you'll accidentally flash people anyway. Just let the boobie live.  Nursing Bras  - I re...

I was not part of a Facebook Mom group when I was pregnant with Henry, but being pregnant with my 2nd I thought it would be fun to join one. Jesus Lord in heaven. The absolute insanity of a mom Facebook group needs to be parodied somewhere. The main thing I see that is so silly is the INSANE amount of money these families spend on baby products. And since I've been a mom of one child for two years, I'm clearly an expert (lol), so here is what I think is needed versus what is stupid.  Baby Needs: Convertible Crib - here's the crib we have for Henry. It converts into 4 different bed styles that should work for him until about junior high. It's not some high end, styled crib from West Elm or Restoration Hardware. It's just a crib, calm down. Your baby's room isn't a content creation for your instagram. Relax. It's just your baby's room. Stroller - here's where I think people are so silly, buying $1,000+ strollers like nuna and uppa baby simply for t...

 Clothes:  Tuckernuck - I love everything they have on this website. I love the preppy, sophisticated style, if I was rich, I would buy it all.  Hill House Nap Dress Books: Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis        Trust me on this: IT'S SO BAD, IT'S GOOD. Reading it will show you how enlightened you are and how much you have learned since 2014. It's like reading a time capsule of outdated thinking and oversimplified solutions and reductive attitudes toward people.   Apps:  The Bump  Flo

Lord of the Rings Book Club was easily one of the most fun activities I have ever participated in... And the nerdiest lol. We started with The Fellowship of the Ring in January, and read the entire trilogy together, finishing our last meeting yesterday. Not only is Tolkien's writing an undeniable masterpiece, the perspectives and insights everyone shared on a weekly basis added so much depth to the text. It's like listening to a pastor explain a verse you've read a thousand times, in a whole new, and meaningful way.  What I loved most about the book club was what it brought out in me. It gave me a place to be creative and funny with an audience I felt safe with. I spent hours making games or slideshows for the group, just to make them laugh and feel special. Somewhere along the way, I forgot how to just be silly and nerdy and goofy, and was taking life too seriously. I'm glad LOTR Book Club reminded me how fun it is to make people laugh.  People belittle their hobbies a...

My marriage is so perfect. I know people who say that shit normally are hiding something, but I'm telling you. Our love is endless.  Coming up on our one year anniversary. Henry is happy, healthy, and about to turn TWO! I'm pregnant and feeling so good! We're going to Colorado in 20 days We're going to Jackson Hole in 39 I got to go on a very special errand with one of my favorite people yesterday :) We had friends over yesterday, Andrew smoked ribs, and it was the best meal I've ever had  I love spending my first trimester of pregnancy during summer break, lots of rest! I bought a Hill House dress for our family photo shoot that I have been wanting for a long time My sister and her husband are so happy with their new baby! And they move into their house soon My older brother's two kiddos are up here for the next week Laughing so hard at old episodes of Modern Family Listening to Diamonds and Gasoline on repeat

I've been hit with some hard stuff the past few days- things that from the outside probably don't seem big, but are getting me down.  We have to move.          I just can't get over this one. I can't express how deeply sick I am of moving, I have moved every year since I was like....18 years old, and I'm fucking sick of it. I want roots, I want community, I want to invest in a home. And we aren't there yet, and I'm frustrated about it. I feel like a toddler who is stamping her feet and crossing her arms because she isn't getting her way. We haven't found any homes to rent, none to even go look at, in the areas we need to be in. My sister has offered to let us move in for a few months to save like crazy and get into our own home more quickly... I don't know. It is a lot to ask for someone to take in two adults, a toddler, and a dog.  My best friend is moving 3 hours away.     My best friend at work is moving. Her husband got an amazing head co...

On some level, it makes perfect sense to judge other people. Our entire adolescent lives, we're taught to determine our worth based on our relation to other kids our age. Your percentile of weight and height, developmental milestones you should acquire at a certain age, reading and math scores based on peer data, your ability to beat out the other kid for the spot on the team or chair in orchestra or role in the play. Judgement and competitiveness is engrained into us.  Then in high school, we are taugh how to judge character and actions. You have to judge who can be your friend, according to your parents or community standards. You have to judge the behavior and character of guys you want to date. You have to then judge your own character and actions based on your peers around you- using them as... well ... a measuring stick kind of. Okay, I make better grades than her, but I've slept with more guys, but I also am more athletic than her.... so were does that put me? I'm pr...

Being rich doesn't mean you are successful Being thin doesn't mean you're healthy Being smart doesn't mean you're moral  Being middle class doesn't mean you don't work hard Being overweight doesn't mean you aren't healthy Having average intelligence doesn't mean you are incapable of understanding complex moral quandaries

Normal tummy   Relaxed tummy lol Baby is the size of : a SWEET PEA! (.25 inches) Baby's Development: Baby has doubled in size since last week, and will double in size again this week! If it hasn't already, Baby's heart will start to beat this week! Other vital organs are forming, as well as facial features, and budding arms and legs. All reasons to support the "heartbeat bill" in Texas!  Due Date: I will see the OB/GYN  in three weeks, so I will know for certain when I am due soon. Right now, I am still pretty sure it is February 17th.  Momma Symptoms:  So, so tired! Thankfully, I don't feel exhausted all day, it is usually just for a few hours, but around 7:00pm, I'm really down for the count. Andrew has been an absolute superhero (as he always is), taking on way more than his fair share of responsibilities to allow me plenty of time to rest and grow our baby. I have also felt bloated and gassy and hungry... but that's just like, a day in the life of...

This morning I had one of the top 3 worst panic attacks I have ever had in my life.  I had a horrible nightmare last night, so realistic and upsetting I can't bear to say what it was about, but it startled me awake at 4:00, soaking wet with sweat. I sat upright and tried to breathe and felt like my chest was collapsing in. I walked out of our bed room and paced back and forth in the hallway trying to breathe. I slid down the wall and finally caught a breath, but then was having the strangest sensation. I felt like I wasn't real. I remembered something my therapist told me, to feel concrete things. Feel your butt on the ground, feel your back on the wall, feel your hands on your thighs, feel that you are real.  But that wasn't working. All my brain continued to do was replay, over and over, some of the worst moments of my life. Some that I had inflicted on others, and some that others had inflicted on me. I couldn't get out of the thought spiral, so I called for Andrew. ...

Self Enslavement- what are you handcuffing yourself to? Could you set yourself free?

"If you mess up and someone calls you out on it, act stupid. Just pretend you don't get what you did wrong and that you didn't know better." Everyone has a weird coping mechanism. We learn them when we are young to navigate and survive life. Some of us are born into chaos, and we cope by becoming self-reliant perfectionists. Some of us are born with emotionally unstable parents, so we cope by turning our emotions off, shutting down, and becoming numb. Some of us born with mediocre intelligence, and we learn to cope by pretending to be smarter, or dumber, than we actually are.  That, is me.  I am not smart. I can read a book, and love every minute of it, but am unable to summarize the plot for you. I can listen to a podcast about a topic that really interests me, but I won't be able to retain the facts and information provided. My attention span, retention rate, and ability to analyze, are painfully weak.  So the way I got through elementary, middle, and high schoo...

"Be better than you were yesterday!"  One of my least favorite sayings, and an incredibly damaging motto to hold. Be better than you were yesterday shows no understanding of the cyclical, moving, ever-changing rhythms of life.   There are seasons in life when you are able to get in great shape. When you're young and don't have small children, it is a great time to make fitness a hobby. Then, there are seasons when you'll gain weight, sometimes a lot of it. Like when you're pregnant, or have a newborn. Or when your life is consumed with working multiple jobs. When you are caring of an ailing parent or child. When you have been hurt and are recovering from an injury. But then, those hardships will pass, as they always do, even if it takes months or years. And a new season will emerge. You'll be financially stable enough to afford Orange Theory. You'll enjoy morning and evening walks with your husband, dog, kids, whoever. You'll lose weight and gain s...

There is a TikTok trend going around that I truly hate. The whole premise of the one minute video is to "expose" what was really going on behind the scenes of a perfect Instagram photo. Girls will show themselves posing in a skimpy bikini on the bow of ship, and they will voice over something like "Oh my gosh, okay so this day was NOTHING like it seems. We were with all these OLD MEN on this boat who were SO PERVY and we had to fight them all off day..." Yeah bitch, we all already knew lol  Manufactured authenticity or realness is so much worse to me than just about anything. Posting a picture of yourself looking BOMB in a bikini, then capturing it with something like, "clearly, I don't say no to queso!" is so fucking lame. You look great and wanted to post the pic, do it with pride. Slap some fire emojis as your caption and own it.  I see this with couples all.the.time. They post pictures with these horribly authentic captions that are so cringe. I sa...

 I'm sorry you were born into financial instability. I'm sorry your dad was an alcoholic. I'm sorry you struggle with weight. I'm sorry you heard your parents fighting all night, then had to wake up and go to take a PreCal test. I'm sorry that school was incredibly difficult for you. I'm sorry you were physically abused. I'm sorry that you were emotionally abused. I'm sorry that you were spiritually abused. I'm sorry that you sexually abused. I'm sorry that boy broke your heart when you were 16. I'm sorry you suffer from mental illness. I'm sorry you have chronic pain. I'm sorry you lost your sibling. I'm sorry you had to watch a loved one suffer. I'm sorry your best friend betrayed your trust. I'm sorry that rumor was spread about you. I'm sorry you failed out. I'm sorry your husband left you. I'm sorry you gave it everything you had, and it didn't work out. I'm sorry you got in that car wreck. I'm...

"An autobiography encouraging the reader to like the author is not a true autobiography. No one is likeable from the inside out. One should walk away from an autobiography with, at best, an uncomfortable distaste for the author." "I will deliver. "  Verity by Colleen Hoover I believe a few things stand in the way of me writing about what I really want to, with total honesty: I have a very conservative job, that I know I would either lose or need to leave if I wanted to open myself up completely. I refuse to pull a Prince Harry and betray family to share a narrative or experience Texas Libel Laws lol  So how does one work around these things... 

It is so weird to say I'm 5 weeks pregnant when I know we conceived this little babe three weeks ago, but for whatever reason, weeks are counted based on the first day of your last period... So five weeks it is! Baby is the size of:  an APPLE SEED!  Baby's Development: Baby is just a tiny, but mighty, little embryo! The nervous system is developing, heart is forming, and baby will double in size in just one week. What a miracle.  Due Date: I haven't seen the doctor yet, so this is just based on when I think we conceived the baby, so I have the due date as February 17th.  Momma Symptoms: I've been experiencing fatigue the past couple of days. I remember telling my sister, the very beginning and the very end of pregnancy are the hardest stages. With Henry, I found the very first few weeks difficult because I felt so shitty, but couldn't tell anyone why! The beginning is also difficult because the chance for miscarriage is at its highest. It's scary to know that...

Today I volunteered at Embrace Grace, Inc. and it was wonderful. Their mission, "We help women & men experiencing unplanned pregnancies find a place of belonging within the church through support groups."

  Every time this picture comes up on my Timehop, it breaks my heart a little. This picture was taken in Northern Ireland, at the Giants Causeway, three weeks after my husband left me. I cried every day of this trip. My heartbreak was so painful, I thought it might kill me. My life, as I knew it, was over.  I wish I could go back in time and tell this girl what life would be like in four short years.  I wish I could tell her that the love of my life had always been Andrew. I wish I could tell her about our gorgeous son, Henry. I wish I could tell her that four years from now, she would be pregnant with her second baby. I wish I could tell her about the beautiful friends who would stand by her, and the new ones she would make. I wish I could tell her that her Redeemer Lives and He is making her way straight. I wish I could tell her that her ex wouldn't change. That in four years, he would still be partying in excess. He would still be a self absorbed gym rat. He would stil...

 I took a positive pregnancy test. All day I've been placing my hand on my stomach and whispering the only prayer every mother at this early stage prays: Stay.

 Breakfast-  Overnight Oats with Berries and Almonds Lunch -  Grilled chicken  Jasmine Rice Broccoli Dinners : HelloFresh (3x) Southwest Burger Salad Fish Tacos

I joined Orange Theory in May, and have been enjoying it so much! I have challenged myself to exercise every day for the month of June, and today is day 10. I have alternated between OTF, running, and yoga. Okay, I only did yoga once, but you have to start somewhere. I decided to challenge myself to exercise everyday for a few reasons: Strength- I want to have healthy bones and protected organs. A long, healthy life is the goal. Endurance- gotta keep up with my hubs and toddler Relationship with Exercise- I need to come to a balanced place with the concept and practice of daily exercise. Realizing that moving my body means loving my body, its not a time for punishment and shaming. I need to also understand that yoga and stretching are just as important to muscle and heart health as running and weight lifting.  Exercise culture can be so damaging. From extreme dieting, to pumping poisonous "supplements" into the body, to over exertion, all the way to editing gym pictures or ge...

Instagram Accounts:  letthemliveorg - the Insta page is great, but their  website  is easier to use. Let Them Live  is a prolife organization that helps pregnant women with financial burdens. They post pictures of all the babies they have helped save; it is very touching.  Hubermanlab- IG content as well as a podcast, discusses neuroscience and its connections with our organs, perceptions, behaviors, and health. The host, Andrew Huberman, does a great job of making complex information very accessible to everyday listeners. Learning about the brain helps me to understand and love myself more completely.  Clothing: I was happy with both of my dress purchases, however, I should have worn shapewear with both. I have loose skin on my lower abdomen from pregnancy and C-section, and until I saw the picture of myself, I didn't realize it was so obvious through the dress. But I am proud of my figure; it is a real body, with real stretchmarks, real dimpled skin, and ...

Do not have a baby to create content. Don't have kids to garner "likes". Your baby is not an aesthetic. Your child deserves medical privacy.  Exploiting your child's tantrums for laughs and likes is abuse.  If you wouldn't post a picture of your naked body with an emoji sticker covering your vagina or penis, then don't post a picture of your child's body with an emoji sticker covering theirs. GOLDEN RULE: Before you post something of your child, ask yourself, "Would I feel violated if my husband (wife/mom/dad) posted this about me without my consent?"

I can't stop thinking about the pro-abortion valedictorian speech that was given earlier this week. I can't stop thinking how sad I feel for Paxton, and young women like her.  When I was 15, my dad was driving me to cheerleading practice. Out of nowhere, he turned down the radio, paused, then said to me, "I just want you to know, if you ever got pregnant, you wouldn't need to be scared. You could tell me. I would take care of you and your baby, and everything would be okay."  That right there, is a loving patriarch. That is beautiful masculinity. That is a father who puts pride aside, and cares courageously for his daughter.  I cannot imagine how much it would hurt me if my dad had said, "I just want you to know, if you ever got pregnant, I would give you $300 and drive you to Planned Parenthood." That is an oppressive patriarch. That is toxic masculinity. That is not "choice". I'm sad for Paxton, because she clearly doesn't have a fath...

The ancient Greek expression, "Know Thyself", can mean just about anything we want it to: know your strengths, know your limits, know your motivations, know your worth. It takes courage and honestly to look introspectively and acknowledge these things about oneself.  So I've been asking myself, "What are things I can handle versus things I can't?" Things I can handle: Intuitive eating 2 drink maximum Social Media Watching/reading the news Exercise Weighing myself Working Things I can't handle: Adderall Liquor More than 2 drinks Restrictive diet plans Not seeing family weekly Being a stay-at-home mom Being alone These lists change and evolve depending on where I am mentally or emotionally. Things like weighing myself, exercise, and restrictive diet plans used to rule my life. Now, I can properly handle those things. Same with social media. In the early days of my divorce, when I was also addicted to Adderall, I was insane on social and ended up getting ri...

POV FEMALE Look. I use people. To be honest, it's what I do best. Yeah, I can feel your judgement, but you use people too. The difference between you and me is: I admit it.  I go to college where almost everyone is a nobody from nowhere. But there are a handful of somebodies. These somebodies are rich kids from big cities who weren't quite smart enough to get in somewhere better, and they landed here with us, and we made them our kings. Sorority girls from small Texas towns would clamor over themselves to get a date with one of these frat daddy imbeciles. The energy and manipulation they put into getting one of these men was ten fold the effort they put into their degrees. They knew these daddy-money halfwits were a better meal ticket than any career ever could be.  And you know what makes me better than all those slobbering, desperate girls? I got one of their men. With no effort. Without being exceptionally pretty, or well dressed, or even smart. I got one because I didn'...

Today was my first day of summer break, long days at school, I would fantasize about this day and it's promised freedoms, and that would help push me through to the end.  Well today finally came and it was a huge letdown lol But that is how life goes. We plan every detail of a wedding day, and on that day, it just does not as monumental as you hoped it would. We spend weeks and months preparing for a new baby, and when they come, our birth story wasn't what we wanted, or realizing that having a new born is more challenging than we anticipated. We spend years working toward retirement, only to get there and realize how empty and listless we feel. Today did not go as I had planned. I had put so much pressure on this day, so much expectation, there was no way it could have lived up to everything I was hoping.  I have a lot of fear that I will come to August and see that I have accomplished nothing. I am so stressed about wanting to write, that my mind has gone blank. I feel like ...