Peyton Kathleen

Okay the first thing I learned is that my self disciple is absolute garbage! Literally no reason I couldn't have managed to write for 100 days straight, especially during summer, but alas, the power of my will is weak. I also learned that just sitting down and writing isn't what I thought it would be. Having inspiration, or original thought, is not easy to come by. Starting is hard, finishing is harder.  Clear concepts, a centralized thesis, must be front loaded But resources and research need to be intermixed with the writing process.  There is something to be said for natural talent I think many books are much longer than they need to be, most of the time I want to scream at the author SPIT IT OUTTTTTT Other times I'm like, you could have wrapped up that whole chapter in 1 sentence It makes me suspicious that publishers pressure for word/page count instead of just letting it be the length it needs to be  I wrote more consistently than I ever have in my life, so while 10...

  two weeks in our new home, so don't judge the mess lol Baby is the size of: a navel orange! (4 inches, 2.5 ounces) Baby's Development:  Baby's legs are finally growing longer than their arms, and they are able to move all joints and limbs! Baby's face is looking more and more like a little person, with eyelashes, nails, hair, and well defined fingers and toes. During a sonogram, baby could be seen yawning, thumb sucking, stretching, and making faces! Momma Symptoms:  Insomnia, fatigue, ravenous hunger, restless leg syndrome... oof. It has been a week, ladies.  Gender/Names: I can't believe in 5 weeks we will know the sex of our baby! I keep going back and forth on what is think it is; currently, I'm thinking boy! We have our names picked out: Naomi (girl) or Nolan (boy). Naomi is the name of my paternal grandmother, we aren't big into naming after family, we just so happened to both love it. Also, I've been binge watching Sothern Charm and Naomie Olind...

I feel like writing and/or having complete thoughts would literally kill me right now lol I read an incredible book. School started back up- year ten. Jesus Christ.  I feel like a fat whale.

Baby is the size of:  A PEACH! (3.4 inches, 1.5 ounces) Baby's Development:  Baby is probably sucking their thumb and wiggling like crazy in momma's tummy! The kidney is developed and working to eliminate waste from Baby's body, the liver and spleen are working too. Baby is able to hear my voice and my heartbeat. Truly amazing. Momma Symptoms:  HUNGRY! Like appetite on overdrive. I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at midnight last night lol. Lovely.   Health and Exercise:  If moving doesn't count as working out, I don't know what does. Lifting boxing, pushing shelving, running up and down stairs...someone save me.  Weight Gain:  +5.5 (146.5-152) only gaining five and a half pounds during my first trimester, not too shabby! Emotional Wellness:   Random Life Things:  

 Everyone likes a comeback story...when it's a man.  I've listened to some truly inspirational speakers in my life, but the ones that always hit me the hardest, are the stories of redemption. From abject poverty, to incredible financial success. From drug addict, to the founding member of a rehabilitation center. From the depths of sin and despair, to the redeeming love of Christ.  I've heard hundreds of these stories, and I am awestruck by them every time.  But I got to thinking about my own comeback story, and I have a gut feeling that hideous past will never be forgiven, and my redemption admired, because I'm a woman. When I think of comeback stories, I immediately think of some of my favorite movies: Rocky, Shawshank Redemption, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poet Society, Pursuit of Happiness... They all touched my heart and moved me, but they also all have a male protagonist.  When I think of popular comeback stories that hit the media, they don't look as touchin...

No pic of myself this week, but here's baby!! Baby is the size of:  A LEMON! (3 inches, 1 oz) Baby's Development:  Baby's organs have moved into their proper place this week and are working hard to support all of life's vital functions. Baby's vocal cords are developing, arms and legs are getting longer, and   Momma Symptoms:  I have never felt this level of fatigue in my life. We just got back from a long weekend in Wyoming, then moved, AND I started back up at work this week. Oh and I'm growing a baby and taking care of a toddler lol. Every night by 7:00, I have to lay down or I feel like I'll die.  Health and Exercise:  If moving doesn't count as working out, I don't know what does. Lifting boxing, pushing shelving, running up and down stairs...someone save me.  Weight Gain:  +3.5 (146.5-150) UGH hate being in the 150's, but love growing this baby. Emotional Wellness:  This week I cried pretty hard for the first time in a long, long t...

 Part II Lies About Grief Lie #4- It Will Always Hurt This Badly I hate what most people have to say when it comes to grief, healing, and "moving on" after a divorce. People would give me disgusting advice like, "Start dating? The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else!" Or would hit me with some dismissive cliché like, "God's got a plan!" and "Time heals all wounds!" It felt as though everything that was suppose to make me feel better, made me feel worse. One woman even said to me, "Thank God you didn't have kids with him!" Ummm FUCK YOU LADY! I married him and loved him and WANTED TO HAVE KIDS WITH HIM! But then he left me!!! So now I'm all alone, with people like you making hurtful assumptions about how I feel! ...as you can tell, some of the bullshit people said to me still pisses me off. When I was in the thick of my divorce, I remember thinking, "This will always hurt like this. I will never, e...

   Lie #3- If I had been a better Christian, my marriage would still be together.  A truth we often forget- our world is a battle ground between good and evil, and evil wins out most of the time. Whenever I say this, people look absolutely shocked. "How can you say that!" "Don't you think people are mostly good?" No. I don't.  In our prayer to St. Michael the Archangels, we ask for protection against "Satan and all the evil spirits that prowl the world seeking the ruin of souls." And from now on, when you think of evil spirits, I don't want you to think of shifty, paranormal beings. I want you think think of bad men, who prowl the world looking to use, and ruin, the hearts and souls of the women they entrap.  I know you want to argue with me and say, "But Peyton, if I had prayed harder, if I had walked more closely to God, if I had saved my virginity until marriage, I wouldn't have ever found myself in this situation to begin with....

Baby is the size of a: A PLUM!! (2.1 inches; .5 oz) Baby's Development:  Baby is still tiny but mighty! His legs and arms are beginning to lengthen, so his body will look more "normal" in the upcoming weeks. Baby will begin to get nourishment and oxygen from the placenta this week, which will provide for him the remainder of my pregnancy. His chest walls are forming, meaning he'll be practicing breathing and swallowing.  Due Date:  Mid-February (11th-15th) Momma Symptoms:  Very weepy! I was at a beautiful wedding this weekend and found myself tearing up at everything!! Other than that, I feel totally normal, which kind of freaks me out. I feel like I should feel crappy, because that's how my first pregnancy was. I see the doctor tomorrow and am going to bring up my lack of symptoms.  Health and Exercise:   Your girl got back on track! Worked out twice at OTF and twice at home.  Weight Gain:  +3 lbs (starting weight- 146.5, current- 149.5) Emotiona...

 Lie #3- If I had been a better Christian, my marriage would still be together.  A truth we often forget- our world is a battle ground between good and evil, and evil wins out most of the time. Whenever I say this, people look absolutely shocked! How can you say that! People are mostly good! 

 Preface/Book Concept I'm not a marriage specialist, I'm not licensed counselor, I'm not a spiritual guru. And if you are anything like me, I was sick of hearing from those kinds of people during my divorce. All I wanted was a friend to talk to, who had been through the agony of divorce, who could understand my heartbreak. I wanted a friend who wouldn't judge my ugly healing, who wouldn't tell me some bullshit, positive cliché like, "Everything happens for a reason!". I wanted to know that I wasn't alone in my grief, and that there was someone like me out there.  That is who I want to be for you. Here I am. I'll be the friend for you, that I wish I had. I did divorce ugly. I did a lot wrong, a lot REALLY wrong, and I'm still working to make amends for that. But I also did some things right.  I want to share with you the way that I was left. How I didn't deserve it. How wrong it was. How it hurt me so deeply, I became someone I didn't ev...

  Lie #2: If I had just done what he wanted, he wouldn't have left me. Ahhh yes, when our abusers lies become the voice inside our own heads. What lies at the root of domestic abuse- whether it is physical, emotional, sexual, or verbal- is control. Your husband didn't start off so demanding, but slowly this mindset crept in, task by task, expectation by expectation. And then one day, he pulls the rug out from under you and is leaving because you didn't meet the bar he set.  "If I had just done everything he wanted, he would have stayed." When you say that lie to yourself, I hope you have the eye opening realization- your husband didn't want a wife, he wanted a servant and a sex toy. He wanted control.  I hated the birth control pill. HATED it. I'm so glad now women are finally uniting and talking about the absolute poison that is "The Pill".  The pill made me have a full blown period twice a month, no matter which brand they would switch me to. I...

Lie #2: If I had just done what he wanted, he wouldn't have left me. Ahhh yes, when our abusers lies become the voice inside our own heads. If I had just done everything he wanted, he would have stayed. When you say that lie to yourself, I hope you have the eye opening realization- your husband didn't want a wife, he wanted a servant and a sex toy. I hated the birth control pill. HATED it. I'm so glad now women are finally uniting and talking about the absolute poison that is "The Pill".  The pill made me have a full blown period twice a month, no matter which brand they would switch me to. I was constantly nauseous, had horrible headaches, and tender breasts. Additionally, the pill was changing my mood. I remembered Googling "I think my birth control is making me crazy" and seeing thousands upon thousands of message boards of women expressing how negatively the pill was effecting their mental state. So, I decided I was going to stop taking it. I was 27,...

  Lie #1:  I'm uglier and fatter than when he first met me, so I deserved it.  During my divorce, I thought this lie every.single.day. Now to be fair, a big part of why my husband left me was because I was, in fact, uglier and fatter than when he met me. Meaning I had turned 27, gained five pounds, and added low lights to my previously platinum blond hair. And he was disgusted by me.  Maybe you're like me. Maybe you look in the mirror and see more wrinkles, more cellulite, more fat, gray hairs, and sagging boobs. Maybe you look at yourself and think, "Of course he left, who could love this?" And it is the most painful, hurtful lie you can tell yourself.  Despite what he tells you, you aren't lazy, you aren't worthless, you didn't choose this.  Imagine with me: You wake up at 5:30 to shower and get ready for work. Your kids are up by 6:00, needing diaper changes, faces washed and teeth brushed. Everyone's backpacks need checking, breakfast needs making,...