Peyton Kathleen

 

 CH 1: 1% analogy- focus small Progress- an ice cube doesn't melt, even when it heats up from 20-31 degrees, that one degree makes a difference, however, the other 11 degrees weren't wasted effort, they were stored progress/potential Plateau of Latent Potential - where most people give up- right on the cusp of success Forget Goals- focus on system instead The goal takes care of itself when the systems are in place Goals met are temporary and at odds with long term progress (yo-yoing)

  Baby size: 16 inches, 3 pounds My Predictions- Birth date: I think she's coming week 38- so Feb 1st-5th Birth time: late afternoon/evening Weight: 8 pounds on the dot Length: 20 inches Hair: I think she'll have some hair, all dark! Eyes: Blue, like mommy, daddy, and Henry! Who will she look like? Me :) 

This is the only pic I have of myself from the last two weeks lololol Baby is the size of: A head of CAULIFLOWER! (15.5-16 inches, 2.5-3 pounds) Baby's Development: From now until her birthday, Naomi will be developing white fat, which provides energy; this is different from the brown fat she has developed so far, which maintains body temperature regulation. She is smiling while she dreams, having lots of hiccups, rolling around, and kicking like crazy.  Momma Symptoms: fat, fat, big fat fatty Weight Gain: +3,000 pounds Random Life Things: The past month has been terrible in almost every way...but nice in a few...I guess. Everyone is sick all.the.time. We took Henry to the ER twice, Andrew could hardly get out of bed this week, I'm big and fat and miserable and never get to sleep. Oh, and I work full time and when I'm not here, my paycheck gets docked... I'm in a terrible headspace about so much, I just want to be done being pregnant, I want to be done with work, I want...

 

Baby is the size of: AN ACORN SQUASH! (14 inches, 2 pounds) Baby's Development: Naomi is breathing in and out small amounts of amniotic fluid, which makes absolutely now sense to me, but then again, the whole concept of her being in the womb is beyond my comprehension. Her organs are also practicing for the outside world by absorbing nutrients from the amniotic fluid, breaking down sugars, fats, and proteins to help her grow and thrive.  Momma Symptoms: Swollen legs, ankles, feet, general discomfort from being a big whale lol Weight Gain: +24 Random Life Things: Andrew, Henry, and I have been trading off getting sick for the past month or so, and this week it was my turn. I didn't even get out of bed Tuesday I was so miserable. Thankfully it was only a sinus infection, so antibiotics are already helping me feel much better. 'Tis the season for allergies and colds! One of my best friends had her baby girl 5 weeks early this week, which got me thinking. what is Naomi comes ea...

Baby is the size of: A CAULIFLOWER! (13.6 inches, 1.5 pounds) Baby's Development: Naomi is working hard preparing for the outside world! She will steadily gain between .2 and .5 pounds a week from now until birth. All of her organs are busy practicing their vital functions, her reflexes are sharpening, and her wiggles are strengthening her tiny muscles! Momma Symptoms: Just hungry, but that is not specific to pregnancy  Weight Gain: +22.5 Random Life Things: 

Baby is the size of: A CANTALOPE! (11.8 inches, 1.3 pounds) Baby's Development: It is wild to think that at 24 weeks, Naomi could be born and considered viable. Thankful to live in this time of medical advancement. Naomi's face is completely formed! She has her eyelashes, eyebrows, button nose, and heart lips. Her lungs will continue to develop and get ready for the outside world, and she will continue to gain weight and length over the next 15ish weeks!   Momma Symptoms: Feeling great but fat lol Weight Gain: +21 Random Life Things: November is shaping up to be a busy month with things that fill my heart with joy. Baby showers, parties, football games, and Thanksgiving... I love this time of year. 

 

 

July 2018 my ex unblocked me for the first time in weeks and texted me. He asked if he could come over to my apartment and talk. I was floored. I had spent a year being yanked around by him. He filed and unfiled for divorce...twice... would pull me back in, only to shut me back out. So when he texted me, he knew I was still in love with him, and still desperate to be with him.  I said yes, come over.  We sat on my bed in my studio apartment and talked for an hour. Then we slept together. I woke up in the morning with a text from him saying how special the night before had been, how he wanted to see me again that night.  I thought I was in a dream. I thought every prayer I had begged God for had been answered. I went about my day lighter than air, full of hope and joy. I texted him that evening to see when he wanted to come over. Blocked.  I was stunned. How could he do this, AGAIN? How could he stand to harm me like this, again? Had he not dug the knife deep enough t...

  Still a work in progress, so probably a premature post. But this is literally all we did this weekend, so I have to post evidence of our efforts. Bed: Front Porch Rustic Driftwood Twin  $543 Dresser: Soho Baby Chandler 6 Drawer Dresser $499 Beanbag: Big Joe Bean Bag Chair in Carmel  $86 Rug: Target $119 Letter H ($21), Triangles ($40), Skull (16), Cactus ($10), Picture Frames ($15), Bear ($20), Mirror ($98), Fiddle Leaf Fig ($110)- Hobby Lobby Mini Fiddle Leaf  ($15) and Mini Lamp  ($10)- Target Paint: Benjamin Moore Nightfall $45 Curtains ($95, rods $60) and bedding ($70) should be in this week. Curtains are from Society6, which I have never ordered from, so we'll see. Bedding is from WakeinCloud, also a first time purchase. 

This has actually been an incredibly healing process so far. I defaulted in my divorce proceedings three and a half years ago. I felt so powerless compared to Erik, and was like "Fuck it, do what you want, and get what you want, you always do anyway." He had parents with endless money backing him, (they love bullying people with finances), so I knew I didn't stand a chance anyway.  That being said, I never had an objective counsel hear my side of what happened. And more important than the state of Texas, my Church, gets to hear my truth. It is a very vindicating feeling.  As I'm going through the questions, writing about the horrible things Erik did, I can't stop praising God. Every memory I recall and write down, I thank Him endlessly for removing this evil man from my life. People told me over and over that one day I would be thankful for Erik's abandonment, and they were right.  

Baby is the size of: A GRAPEFRUIT! (11.4 inches, 1.3 pounds) Baby's Development: Is it just me, or does a grapefruit seem smaller than a coconut? Regardless, Naomi is packing on the weight, (just like mommy) and she will be gaining about .2 pounds every week from now until birth. Her lungs are developing airway branches in preparation for life in the outside world. Additionally, the bones in her inner ear are hardening, strengthening her hearing and allowing her to know what side of her head sounds are coming from. She is so strong and active, I can feel her movements so clearly now, and even see them on the surface of my tummy! What a magical time.  Momma Symptoms: Swollen ankles and feet, difficulty sleeping, and just general discomfort. We have officially entered into the "oof" stage of pregnancy, where bending down and moving too fast are just uncomfortable and awkward. Weight Gain: 19 lbs Random Life Things: Last Friday, I had my 20 week sonogram (2 weeks late, sorry...

I have had this annulment paperwork sitting in my inbox, untouched, for over a year now. When I first went through the paperwork, I was absolutely shocked at the sheer amount of it. How detailed everything had to be, giving such specific, personal information, reliving some of the lowest lows my heart has ever known. And I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even fill out my name, DOB, and address.  Now, I'm an active member in my parish. I have my first born son baptized. I plan to do the same with my daughter. I donate monthly to my church, I inspire my friends and family to attend mass with me, and I feel the presence of Christ most strongly when I'm consistently honoring His holy day. So by God, I should be allowed to closure and finality of an annulment. I should be in clear conscious and in good standing with the faith I hold so dear.  Sometimes it takes a little fire and anger and sense of injustice for me to get my ass in gear. So, I opened the document, and within ...

This morning I couldn't stand the thought of getting out of bed. I've slept horribly the past week, getting up at night because I can't get comfortable with my big belly, unable to fall back asleep for hours.  This morning I couldn't stand the thought of walking into my classroom and teaching the same lesson I've taught, over and over, for ten years. This morning I felt like if I had to explain compound and complex sentences one more time, I'd scream. I'll lose my mind if I had to open up The Outsiders to page one and start reading it aloud....again.  How can I feel like life if so chaotic and yet so monotonous at the same time? I feel like I never have a moment to just sit and think, yet somehow life feels like it is moving at a glacial pace.  This morning I cried. Hard. I cried out all my feelings to Andrew, most of them making no sense to either of us.  I said, "I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start, but I don't even know what I mean ...

Henry      Age : 2 years and 3 months old Favorite Song : Peaches by Justin Bieber Favorite Toys : Tricycle, blocks (mommy, build a house with me!), cars and trucks Favorite Foods : Salmon, chili, French fries, popsicles, ice cream Loves : Going to school, Mimi and Pop, saying "baby sister!", snuggling in bed, kisses, bath time, and cowboy boots Hates : Getting his diaper changed, taking medicine, and breathing treatments Personality : Sweet, funny, smart, rebellious, active, curious, loving, helpful Cute things I love : Prays before dinner, wants to Facetime different family members every evening,  

Baby is the size of: A COCONUT! (11 inches, 1 pound) Baby's Development: Naomi's grip, vision, and hearing are all strengthening. All five of her senses are sharpening, she's rolling and flipping around in mommy's tummy, and possibly even playing with her umbilical cord! She has broken the 1 pound milestone, and will continue to add much needed fat throughout the next four months.  Momma Symptoms: Um... hi acne?? My skin has been breaking out like CRAZY the last week. I haven't changed anything about my skincare routine, so the only logical explanation is to blame baby girl! But, I will gladly take imperfect skin for my sugar baby doll any day.  Weight Gain: +17.5 lbs Random Life Things: I finally have my 20 week scan on Friday (two weeks behind on appointments!! my OBGYN is booked to the brim!) During this ultrasound they will check Naomi's major organ systems, ensuring that her heart, brain, skull, kidneys, bones, hands, and feet are developing as usual. If no...

  Baby is the size of: AN ENDIVE! (10.5 inches, .8 pounds) Baby's Development:  Momma Symptoms: Weight Gain: +16 lbs Random Life Things: 

As a general rule, I believe that no one cares what you eat. Even Instagram fitness girlies, trust me when I tell you, no one is interested in your meal prep; they're here for your thirsty gym pics. Whenever I see bloggers do a "What I Eat in a Day", ummmm SKIP. Fist of all, I don't believe that is what you eat on a regular basis. Second of all, what a boring concept for content. HOWEVER I'm writing this because literally no one reads these posts lol I have been feeling great in this pregnancy up until the last couple of weeks. And it has ALL been gastrointestinal discomfort. When I called my nurse hotline to discuss how I was feeling, she asked me about my diet. I told her -very honestly- what I have been eating. The first thing out of her mouth was, "You HAVE to eat more protein and fat."  If you have been pregnant. there is no need for me to tell you how hard it is to eat eggs or a chicken breast, especially in the first 12 weeks for pregnancy. The si...

Baby is the size of: A BANANA! (6.6 inches, .6 pounds) Baby's Development: Naomi is growing like mad! Next week she will be measured from head to toe, instead of head to rump. She is sleeping and waking at a regular schedule; loud noises from the outside world can even startle her awake! Momma Symptoms: Had a small health scare this Wednesday and Thursday, but thankfully everything is 100% fine. I took time to rest and rehydrate, and feel completely back to normal. Baby girl was wiggling and moving and none the wiser! Weight Gain: +15 lbs Random Life Things: IT'S A GIRL!!! I truly can't believe it! I am so happy, I wanted a little girl so badly.

Baby is the size of: A MANGO! (6 inches, .5 pounds) Baby's Development: Baby's brain is actively growing and changing! This week it is working hard on developing baby's 5 senses. Baby's cartilage is hardening into bone, which explains why I can feel them moving inside my tummy this week! If baby is a girl, her uterus and ovaries have developed and are holding millions of eggs; if baby is a boy, his genitalia is still forming, but his testicles have already formed.  Momma Symptoms: Feeling fine! This has been a pretty easy pregnancy, I feel so lucky.  Weight Gain: +13 lbs Health and Wellness: All I do is eat lol Random Life Things: The best way to make time fly is to be BUSY! Working full time, raising a toddler, working on the new house, seeing family and friends regularly... I don't know where September went! I truly can't believe I'm half way through this pregnancy (since I'm a C-section momma, I'll most likely be delivering at 38 weeks). Additiona...

  Baby is the size of: AN ARTICHOKE! (5.6 inches, 7-8 ounces) Baby's Development:  Baby is moving and grooving inside, and I can finally feel it! Baby's face has taken shape, but eyes are still sealed shut. Momma Symptoms:  Feeling great this week! Just bigger and slower lol Weight Gain:  +12 lbs Health and Wellness:  I worked out 3x at Orange Theory this week and was super careful about what I ate...still gained two pounds since last week though! Guess baby needs it!  Random Life Things: I feel like I am finally accepting that I actually need to buy pregnancy things, like a body pillow, maternity jeans and tops, and a more supportive bra (lol). Thank  god for online shopping because I can't imagine the torture of shopping in person, while 12 pounds overweight. On a more exciting note, we have decided to have our Gender Reveal party next weekend! We were having a hard time pinning down a date because everyone is so busy, and we really want both sets of...

  Baby is the size of: A POMEGRANATE! (5 inches, 6 ounces) Baby's Development:  Baby is starting to fatten up this week! Fat will provide energy and warmth for Baby when he makes his way Earth side. Baby is practicing sucking and swallowing, listening to mommy's voice and heartbeat, and continuing to grow bigger and stronger. Momma Symptoms:  Painful boobs, more rapid weigh gain (lovely lol), difficulty getting comfortable at night, peeing more... Weight Gain:  +10 lbs Health and Wellness:  I had my 16 week appointment this week, and it went great! Blood pressure, weight, measurements are all perfectly on track, what a blessing. I started going to Orange Theory again and forgot how much I love it! Really great time to clear my head and strengthen my body.  Random Life Things:

Baby is the size of: AN AVOCADO! (4.5 inches, 3.5 ounces) Baby's Development:  Baby is growing so much, I should be able to feel him moving this week! Baby's bones and muscles are gaining strength, his eyes are able to perceive light, and he can hear my voice and heartbeat.  Momma Symptoms:  I have been feeling SO GOOD this week! Thank the Good Lord. Weight Gain:  +8.5 lbs Health and Wellness:  I have my 16 week appointment September 7th, which will be a very standard, boring visit. Just weight check, blood pressure, and abdominal measurement, BUT I will get to hear Baby's heartbeat, which is always such a joy! I have finally signed up to take Orange Theory classes again, I haven't gone in three weeks! Talk about membership money down the drain.   Random Life Things: Our new house is finally starting to feel like home. Henry had a hard time adjusting, which was really difficult to see, but we have put a lot of effort into setting up his space, and that...

Okay the first thing I learned is that my self disciple is absolute garbage! Literally no reason I couldn't have managed to write for 100 days straight, especially during summer, but alas, the power of my will is weak. I also learned that just sitting down and writing isn't what I thought it would be. Having inspiration, or original thought, is not easy to come by. Starting is hard, finishing is harder.  Clear concepts, a centralized thesis, must be front loaded But resources and research need to be intermixed with the writing process.  There is something to be said for natural talent I think many books are much longer than they need to be, most of the time I want to scream at the author SPIT IT OUTTTTTT Other times I'm like, you could have wrapped up that whole chapter in 1 sentence It makes me suspicious that publishers pressure for word/page count instead of just letting it be the length it needs to be  I wrote more consistently than I ever have in my life, so while 10...

  two weeks in our new home, so don't judge the mess lol Baby is the size of: a navel orange! (4 inches, 2.5 ounces) Baby's Development:  Baby's legs are finally growing longer than their arms, and they are able to move all joints and limbs! Baby's face is looking more and more like a little person, with eyelashes, nails, hair, and well defined fingers and toes. During a sonogram, baby could be seen yawning, thumb sucking, stretching, and making faces! Momma Symptoms:  Insomnia, fatigue, ravenous hunger, restless leg syndrome... oof. It has been a week, ladies.  Gender/Names: I can't believe in 5 weeks we will know the sex of our baby! I keep going back and forth on what is think it is; currently, I'm thinking boy! We have our names picked out: Naomi (girl) or Nolan (boy). Naomi is the name of my paternal grandmother, we aren't big into naming after family, we just so happened to both love it. Also, I've been binge watching Sothern Charm and Naomie Olind...

I feel like writing and/or having complete thoughts would literally kill me right now lol I read an incredible book. School started back up- year ten. Jesus Christ.  I feel like a fat whale.

Baby is the size of:  A PEACH! (3.4 inches, 1.5 ounces) Baby's Development:  Baby is probably sucking their thumb and wiggling like crazy in momma's tummy! The kidney is developed and working to eliminate waste from Baby's body, the liver and spleen are working too. Baby is able to hear my voice and my heartbeat. Truly amazing. Momma Symptoms:  HUNGRY! Like appetite on overdrive. I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at midnight last night lol. Lovely.   Health and Exercise:  If moving doesn't count as working out, I don't know what does. Lifting boxing, pushing shelving, running up and down stairs...someone save me.  Weight Gain:  +5.5 (146.5-152) only gaining five and a half pounds during my first trimester, not too shabby! Emotional Wellness:   Random Life Things:  

 Everyone likes a comeback story...when it's a man.  I've listened to some truly inspirational speakers in my life, but the ones that always hit me the hardest, are the stories of redemption. From abject poverty, to incredible financial success. From drug addict, to the founding member of a rehabilitation center. From the depths of sin and despair, to the redeeming love of Christ.  I've heard hundreds of these stories, and I am awestruck by them every time.  But I got to thinking about my own comeback story, and I have a gut feeling that hideous past will never be forgiven, and my redemption admired, because I'm a woman. When I think of comeback stories, I immediately think of some of my favorite movies: Rocky, Shawshank Redemption, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poet Society, Pursuit of Happiness... They all touched my heart and moved me, but they also all have a male protagonist.  When I think of popular comeback stories that hit the media, they don't look as touchin...

No pic of myself this week, but here's baby!! Baby is the size of:  A LEMON! (3 inches, 1 oz) Baby's Development:  Baby's organs have moved into their proper place this week and are working hard to support all of life's vital functions. Baby's vocal cords are developing, arms and legs are getting longer, and   Momma Symptoms:  I have never felt this level of fatigue in my life. We just got back from a long weekend in Wyoming, then moved, AND I started back up at work this week. Oh and I'm growing a baby and taking care of a toddler lol. Every night by 7:00, I have to lay down or I feel like I'll die.  Health and Exercise:  If moving doesn't count as working out, I don't know what does. Lifting boxing, pushing shelving, running up and down stairs...someone save me.  Weight Gain:  +3.5 (146.5-150) UGH hate being in the 150's, but love growing this baby. Emotional Wellness:  This week I cried pretty hard for the first time in a long, long t...

 Part II Lies About Grief Lie #4- It Will Always Hurt This Badly I hate what most people have to say when it comes to grief, healing, and "moving on" after a divorce. People would give me disgusting advice like, "Start dating? The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else!" Or would hit me with some dismissive cliché like, "God's got a plan!" and "Time heals all wounds!" It felt as though everything that was suppose to make me feel better, made me feel worse. One woman even said to me, "Thank God you didn't have kids with him!" Ummm FUCK YOU LADY! I married him and loved him and WANTED TO HAVE KIDS WITH HIM! But then he left me!!! So now I'm all alone, with people like you making hurtful assumptions about how I feel! ...as you can tell, some of the bullshit people said to me still pisses me off. When I was in the thick of my divorce, I remember thinking, "This will always hurt like this. I will never, e...

   Lie #3- If I had been a better Christian, my marriage would still be together.  A truth we often forget- our world is a battle ground between good and evil, and evil wins out most of the time. Whenever I say this, people look absolutely shocked. "How can you say that!" "Don't you think people are mostly good?" No. I don't.  In our prayer to St. Michael the Archangels, we ask for protection against "Satan and all the evil spirits that prowl the world seeking the ruin of souls." And from now on, when you think of evil spirits, I don't want you to think of shifty, paranormal beings. I want you think think of bad men, who prowl the world looking to use, and ruin, the hearts and souls of the women they entrap.  I know you want to argue with me and say, "But Peyton, if I had prayed harder, if I had walked more closely to God, if I had saved my virginity until marriage, I wouldn't have ever found myself in this situation to begin with....

Baby is the size of a: A PLUM!! (2.1 inches; .5 oz) Baby's Development:  Baby is still tiny but mighty! His legs and arms are beginning to lengthen, so his body will look more "normal" in the upcoming weeks. Baby will begin to get nourishment and oxygen from the placenta this week, which will provide for him the remainder of my pregnancy. His chest walls are forming, meaning he'll be practicing breathing and swallowing.  Due Date:  Mid-February (11th-15th) Momma Symptoms:  Very weepy! I was at a beautiful wedding this weekend and found myself tearing up at everything!! Other than that, I feel totally normal, which kind of freaks me out. I feel like I should feel crappy, because that's how my first pregnancy was. I see the doctor tomorrow and am going to bring up my lack of symptoms.  Health and Exercise:   Your girl got back on track! Worked out twice at OTF and twice at home.  Weight Gain:  +3 lbs (starting weight- 146.5, current- 149.5) Emotiona...

 Lie #3- If I had been a better Christian, my marriage would still be together.  A truth we often forget- our world is a battle ground between good and evil, and evil wins out most of the time. Whenever I say this, people look absolutely shocked! How can you say that! People are mostly good! 

 Preface/Book Concept I'm not a marriage specialist, I'm not licensed counselor, I'm not a spiritual guru. And if you are anything like me, I was sick of hearing from those kinds of people during my divorce. All I wanted was a friend to talk to, who had been through the agony of divorce, who could understand my heartbreak. I wanted a friend who wouldn't judge my ugly healing, who wouldn't tell me some bullshit, positive cliché like, "Everything happens for a reason!". I wanted to know that I wasn't alone in my grief, and that there was someone like me out there.  That is who I want to be for you. Here I am. I'll be the friend for you, that I wish I had. I did divorce ugly. I did a lot wrong, a lot REALLY wrong, and I'm still working to make amends for that. But I also did some things right.  I want to share with you the way that I was left. How I didn't deserve it. How wrong it was. How it hurt me so deeply, I became someone I didn't ev...

  Lie #2: If I had just done what he wanted, he wouldn't have left me. Ahhh yes, when our abusers lies become the voice inside our own heads. What lies at the root of domestic abuse- whether it is physical, emotional, sexual, or verbal- is control. Your husband didn't start off so demanding, but slowly this mindset crept in, task by task, expectation by expectation. And then one day, he pulls the rug out from under you and is leaving because you didn't meet the bar he set.  "If I had just done everything he wanted, he would have stayed." When you say that lie to yourself, I hope you have the eye opening realization- your husband didn't want a wife, he wanted a servant and a sex toy. He wanted control.  I hated the birth control pill. HATED it. I'm so glad now women are finally uniting and talking about the absolute poison that is "The Pill".  The pill made me have a full blown period twice a month, no matter which brand they would switch me to. I...

Lie #2: If I had just done what he wanted, he wouldn't have left me. Ahhh yes, when our abusers lies become the voice inside our own heads. If I had just done everything he wanted, he would have stayed. When you say that lie to yourself, I hope you have the eye opening realization- your husband didn't want a wife, he wanted a servant and a sex toy. I hated the birth control pill. HATED it. I'm so glad now women are finally uniting and talking about the absolute poison that is "The Pill".  The pill made me have a full blown period twice a month, no matter which brand they would switch me to. I was constantly nauseous, had horrible headaches, and tender breasts. Additionally, the pill was changing my mood. I remembered Googling "I think my birth control is making me crazy" and seeing thousands upon thousands of message boards of women expressing how negatively the pill was effecting their mental state. So, I decided I was going to stop taking it. I was 27,...