Peyton Kathleen

 No longer can I avoid the pain of transforming.  "I was forced in another direction, the absolute last direction I would have ever chosen for myself, and all I can tell you is I will never get over how lucky I was to be so totally messed up, to be so sick and in so much pain that I had no choice but to confront it and challenge everything I thought I knew about myself." - Quit Like a Woman, Holly Something 

My name is Peyton and I'm the worst. And the best. I'm the meanest person you'll ever meet, but also the nicest. I’m really judgmental , but also really understanding. I don’t deserve anything that has happened to me, but also... I deserve everything that has happened to me.  I think you can all relate to what I am, and who I am. I bet you have sat in your parked car, staring blankly ahead, thinking about every shitty thing you’ve ever done. Thinking how you were a bitch to that girl in high school, how you used that guy to get an invite that fraternity party, how you half-assed a job, but got a full-ass paycheck. But... You wouldn’t have treated that girl that way if she hadn’t made out with your ex boyfriend, that guy was using you, just as much as you were using him, and corporate America makes money off your back no matter what, so who cares what effort you give? You have an excuse, a reason, and a justification for every single horrible thing you’ve ever done. And so d...

On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King 10/10 Open Book by Jessica Simpson 10/10 Carrie by Stephen King 10/10 The Searcher by Tara French 4/10 The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins 6/10 In an Instant by Suzanne Redfearn 9/10 One of Us Is Lying by Karen McManus 10/10 Educated by Tara Westover 10/10 Dear Martin by Nic Stone 7/10 Stamped by Jason Reynolds 9/10 The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides 10/10 Where the Crawdads Sing 4/10 Then She Was Gone by Lisa Jewell 8/10

My ex's obsession with drinking  When my ex and I got engaged, I was 25 and had started to distance myself from the partying lifestyle. I was a very tame party girl- I never did drugs or went to raves or anything wild like that- I would just get drinks, go dance, and have fun with my girlfriends. About six months before my engagement, I had stopped drinking all together. I was focused on my health and enjoying the benefits of sober living. However, my ex put a brick on his partying gas pedal. He ramped up his binge drinking on weekends, as well as his use of marijuana, Vyvanse, and Xanax. It felt like the less I wanted to go out, the more extreme he became. Most of the time, I was fine to go along with his antics; I knew who I was marrying. I would go out with him and his friends for awhile, call myself an Uber around 1:00 am, and he would eventually turn up at home around 4:00. I would typically wake up in a puddle of his piss, and a partner I couldn't rely on for help the res...