Peyton Kathleen

I bought a zen journal to help me come up with things to write about in this “journal”, and today the reflection was: When you think of someone you hate, imagine that person clearly, then repeat the mantra, “not two, not two...” Meaning, there isn’t a you and me, there is only an us. Letting go of ego and acknowledging, “I’m not better than you, I am you. You’re not better than me, you are me.” It removes the ability to see someone as subhuman, and enables us to recognize their humanity.  Take it a step further, and think of what redeemable qualities you know that have:  They care for their dog.. They respect their mom.. They want to love and be loved.. This practice of mindfulness reduces hate in your heart and invites in healing, which is good for me, for you, for us.

  1. What’s your favorite way to spend a day off?      Wow, I can't believe I am actually going to say this, but I love on days off getting to workout in the afternoons. I have much more energy and strength. 2. What type of music are you into?      Fall Out Boy, Justin Bieber, Harry Styles always on rotation 3. What was the best vacation you ever took and why?      I have been on a lot of really wonderful trips, but going to Paris with my mom and sister will always be my favorite. If I have a daughter (or two!) I would love to recreate that trip.  4. Where’s the next place on your travel bucket list and why?      I want to go to Glacier National Park. 5. What are your hobbies, and how did you get into them?      Reading and writing; one taught me to escape, the other taught me to come back.  6. What was your favorite age growing up?      I had a really fun Senior year of high school....

 "One of the hardest things for traumatized people is to confront their shame about the way they behaved." "It is hard enough to face the suffering that has been inflicted by others, but deep down, many traumatized people are even more haunted by the shame they feel about what they themselves did or did not do under the circumstances. They despise themselves for how terrified, dependent, excited, or enraged they felt." "Trauma affects the imagination. Without imagination, there is no hope, no chance to envision a better future, no place to go, no goal to reach." "Trauma is the ultimate experience of "this will last forever." "Over the years our research team has repeatedly found that chronic emotional abuse and neglect can be just as devastating as physical abuse and molestation...Not being seen, not being known, and having nowhere to turn to feel safe is devastating at any age, but is particularly destructive for young children, who ar...

For My Hair: Olaplex No. 7 Bonding Oil     - I'M OBSESSED WITH THIS product and I can't believe I am just now using it! Omg the silk, the shine, the strength... I'm in love Prenatal Vitamins     -  I have been bleaching my hair since I was 16 and have never taken great care of it, but when I was pregnant I started taking Prenatal Vitamins and WOW. It make such an impact on my hair. I still take prenatal vitamins because I was nursing, and am now trying to get pregnant. I have no idea if you should take them regularly otherwise, but I love them.  Clothing/Accessories: I have an untapped market if any influencers are interested: I need an influencer who has to buy clothes and shoes and wear them to work in a conservative working environment. If there is anyone like that I should follow, let me know Kate Spade Dupe Necklace from Amazon     - I think this necklace was cute and it was $12 compared to $60! I'm super happy with it.  KellParker shoe ...

Sometimes I look back on how I behaved the year following my husband leaving me, and I judge that girl. Why couldn't you pick yourself up? Was it really THAT BAD? Did you have to behave like such an absolute beast? But after going through this experience the last week, it has reminded me of how absolute pain is. How pain and sadness and worry and angst won't loosen its grip on you, even for a second. It has reminded me of how worry robs all your space for creativity and forward thinking. Grief is all encompassing, isolating, and numbing.  The difference now is I have a solid partner by my side, who is in this sadness with me, yet is my firm ground to stand on. Instead of causing me this pain, he is enduring it with me.  Today when I got the bad news, I sobbed in front of coworkers, stared at a wall mindlessly, felt out of body as I left work early and drove home. I immediately thought of the girl who I was 4 years ago. How my brain could barely function, how I didn't even ...

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately:     My sister What do I think about my daily habits:     I should prepare for the next day in the evening more, but other than that I'm pretty happy with my              habits. What am I willing to sacrifice to have my dream life?     TBH, I'm living my dream life, which scares me to even write because I don't want to jinx it.  What makes me like like someone immediately?     Someone who is funny and asks a lot of questions Three things that make me proud:     1. any time I can make someone laugh 2. seeing my students learn something new 3. being married to           Andrew What is the most important thing to me right now?     My relationships What is my most reoccurring feeling?     Contentment  How do I want to feel on a daily basis?     Just like this :) What do I lik...

I can’t think of anything to say today that’s my own. This has been a difficult week, but for reasons that aren’t mine to share. Whether it’s a husband, sister, child, parent, or friend, watching someone else go through pain and difficulty can awaken our true sense of helplessness in this world. It’s a reminder that control is only an illusion. 

 I’ve gained some weight recently, and that used to be the kind of thing that would send me spiraling. But the past few years, I have taken such good care of myself, and have been so well loved by Andrew, I feel like...I feel like at 31, I’ve never looked better. 

 I'm reading a book called Rediscover Catholicism, it is all about reawakening your Catholic faith putting it back as a priority in your life.  I have enjoyed the read so far, I'm about a quarter of the way into it, and something that has struck me are two question the author poses: What do you worship? What do you celebrate? See human beings are drawn to religion, whether we realize it or not. We are drawn to something greater than ourselves, a cause worth fighting for, something that gives meaning to our short lives. Ideally, we would harness that yearning and desire into a relationship with Christ; accepting His love, salvation, and purpose for our lives. But most of us reject that authentic religious calling, and replace it with a perversion of worship. We worship work, and hustle, and money. We worship government, and policy, and social justice. We worship our bodies, our status, and sense of importance.  We please whatever god we think will bring us closer to w...

There are so many mommy bloggers and influencers, Facebook mom groups, endless amounts of mommy literature, mommy memes, and merch, and TikTok videos and on and on and on... And I am just not into any of it. I have been told to read countless books- Moms on Call, Baby Lead Weening, Bringing Up Bebe I've been told to follow endless Instagram accounts- Taking Cara Babies, Kids Eat in Color, Mom Brain Therapist And I just can't get into it. I just can't.  I have so much interested in my son, but so little interest in mommy culture.  I read a book on toddlerhood- Making the Terrible Two's Not So Terrible, and it was like pulling teeth trying to get through it. I supposed I learned a few things from it, but it will be a long time before I read another parenting book.   My mom wanted me to watch an InstaStory all about how to get kids to eat vegetables and it could not hold my interest for even a few seconds. All I had to do was turn the volume up on my phone and watch thi...

Things I like (lately) My People: Seeing/holding/kissing/rocking/smelling my new nephew! Watching my sister as a mom Seeing Andrew look like a pro with a new baby- We are feeling so ready to have another one! Skincare Products: SKII Facial Treatment Essence Worth the hype and price tag- normally, I have terrible cystic like breakouts before me period, and this month I had NONE  EltaMD UV Clear Tinted Broad Spectrum SPF Amazing sunscreen, very gentle and light  Elemis Pro Collagen  Listen, it's expensive, so as for it as a gift or wait for a big Elemis sale (they will do up to 30% off, sign up for texts!) Apps: Flo App  I signed up for the premium- I think it was $40 for a year- and I really like this app. Andrew and I are trying for baby #2 and this app is great for cycle tracking, information, and encouragement.  Goodreads (follow me!) The platform isn't *great* but it is a fun way to track your reads, see what is popular, and have a sense of reading community!...

A few years ago at a friend's birthday party, I met a girl that I instantly didn't like. She was late to the dinner, made a big production of her entrance, and only got more obnoxious from there. She was a snob, an elitist, doled out advice no one asked for, had to one up everyone at the table... you get it.  After the party, everyone was tagged in Instagram pics and stories, so she and I ended up following one another. And what a ride that follow took me on! She is a keyboard warrior to say the LEAST; posting every social justice meme she could get her hands on, she clearly got a high from the self righteousness. I always got a good kick out of her "outrage of the day" posts- I mean, this girl went hard for people, and it became entertaining to be honest! Anyway, she posted recently that she had written a book. I was obviously interested, so I read the excerpt that she posted.. I was shocked by the self promoting, larger than life ego, self absorbed nature of every s...

I think my understanding of "living life to the fullest" has, and will continue to change.  In college, living life to the fullest meant never missing a party. Sunday mornings and afternoons were spent nursing hangovers, surveying the damage done the night before, eating fast food, then being riddled with anxiety that evening, feeling like an absolute piece of shit.  In my early 20's, it meant more time out at bars, going out on dates, spending money I didn't have. My Sunday routine didn't change, but Monday morning at work was so much worse than sitting through a class. It wasn't until my mid 20's that I decided I was kind of done with this insane pattern.  *write middle section here* Today, this Sunday, I can't imagine that misery of being hungover and only moving from the bed to the couch. That was my sad idea of living life. Today, I made my little boy breakfast, played bubbles outside, went to Orange Theory, helped my sister and baby nephew for tw...

  Putting your pronouns in your bio  Updating your Facebook profile picture with frames that tell me how you “choose to wear a mask” or “stay home” Posting    “Say it louder for the people in the back!” Posting “This  👏🏼👏🏼 ” Posting yourself getting a COVID vaccine  Girls who I saw in college wear confederate flag dresses, Mexican ponchos, Native American costumes, etc, 10 years later virtue signaling to me about how to be anti racist  Pictures of crawfish 

 I didn’t have the bandwidth to write until now, because my sister had her baby today. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions, but god has once again blessed us beyond measure. 

There is a lot of advice out there on setting boundaries, and most of what I am about to say probably contracts all of that. So take from it what you will. Throughout my life, I have set boundaries, and it has cost me relationships. In college, I couldn't take the constant emotional dumping my roommate was piling on me. I set a boundary with her, and she never spoke to me again...and we lived together... yikes. At work I set a boundary with a coworker, she made work so uncomfortable I could hardly stand being there. In my first marriage, I tried to set boundaries, and my husband left me.  You could say I am ultimately better off for these losses, their emotional immaturity and disrespect for my limits was unhealthy and toxic. But now, with my few lasting friendships, at my third school district, and on my second marriage, I am much slower and more cautious to set boundaries. Whenever I feel in conflict, defensive, or unheard, I ask myself two questions: First: Is this a hill I am w...

When I go pregnant, I was at the lowest point in my life. My rock bottom looked like: massive debt, addiction to adderall, excessive alcohol abuse, heartbreak from a divorce I couldn't move on from, apathy toward others, and hatred toward myself.  After a night I refer to as, "the campaign to kill myself", I finally submitted and began an outpatient rehab program. Two weeks in, I found out I was three weeks pregnant.  I was in darkness, and that little baby sparked a flame within me. The flame to continue to live, to love, and begin again. That spark of love and hope was born not only within myself, but within Andrew as well.  Andrew saw me drowning, and he didn't yell from the shore, "Swim!". He dove in my dangerous waters, swam out to meet me, and pulled me to shore.  I didn't hide anything from him. He knew it all, and decided to love me anyway. And I say decided purposefully, because love is not a feeling. It is a choice, a constant action, a work of...

 OK I feel like I have nothing to write but here are some things I like (lately) Podcasts: The Ben Shapiro Show The Morning Toast  The Michael Knowles Show  Books:  Verity- Colleen Hoover The Body Keeps the Score- some guy whose name I'll look up later Weekly Events: Lord of the Rings Book Club every Monday is honestly the highlight of my week Mass. Catholicism is way more woke than I ever gave it credit for.  School has been an absolute treasure. I have never loved a group of students so much. My People: Talking to my coworker Hollie every morning Texting my sister Alone time with Andrew every evening My mom playing with my son Dumb things I like: Making games for LOTR book club Making "this or that" games on my Instagram

I had a very nice weekend. On Saturday, I finally got my roots done and hair trimmed. This was much overdue! I went blonder, which I love the look, but am kind of scared the extra bleach may have damaged my hair. I bought some Olaplex hair oil at the Sephora sale to hopefully repair the damage I already do from dying it every six weeks.  I went to my first Orange Theory class since 2018. I forgot how much I liked it. I signed up for 8 classes a month, and if I stick with it, I am thinking I will do the unlimited membership over the summer. I am so sore from my class, I was waddling around all day lol On Sunday, I went to Orange Theory again. Then around 2:00 I met up with my mom at Southlake Town Centre to shop. She was so sweet and gifted me everything I wanted from Sephora as a belated birthday present. We went and got ice cream, then headed to the 4:00 mass at Good Shepherd. Sephora Scores! The weather was so wonderful all weekend. We spent a lot of time outside playing with Hen...

Anyone who has suffered from depression can tell you what a wonderful feeling it is to have reignited interest in old hobbies. But for me, it can be a time of mixed emotions.  I specially suffer from Cyclothymia, which is a mood disorder similar too, but less severe than, bipolar I and II. My manic and depressive episodes span over the course of years; I will dive into my experience and eventual diagnosis another time.  I am pretty aware that I am in a season of mania right now. I can tell in a few ways, and it makes me kind of happysad. I've been ferociously reading, I've started writing again, I'm talkative and happy, I have been working out and enjoying my physical body.  All these things are great, and I am so glad to be in this place.  But I know myself. I know my disorder.  And I wonder- when will this all start slipping away again?  One day, I won't feel like writing. Then, I'll be too tired to read. I'll have no desire to workout or eat healthy, the...

I think of countless times that I have gone to my mom's house, and just let it all out. Every grievance, every complaint, every big and small feeling, every tear I've been holding back comes pouring out the minute I talk to my mom. I think of how seen she makes me feel, how validated and comforted I am after these big emotional releases.  Then I think about how I would feel if after I left, my mom posted on Facebook, "Wow, being a mom can be so draining." or "Even after 31 years, I can't seem to get a break from Peyton's overly emotional days." It would absolutely crush me. It was rip me apart, and take away any of the trust and vulnerability I was able to have with my mother. And yet, so many mom's of toddlers post these types of statuses.  I'll see mom's posts about tantrums (the most cruel are when videos of them are shared..), hard days with their children, and how happy they are to finally put their child to bed. And I think, how cru...

Day 1: April 8th, 2021 I wanted to start reading and writing again for the joy of it, and I have found that goals can get in the way of that joy.  I wanted to read a book a week, but found myself deep diving into The Lord of the Rings, and having a blast with it. So instead of churning out writing posts, I've been creating funny LOTR content for my book club, and gleaning such pure happiness from it. Goals are guides, and I love where they lead me this last month.  Again, as a guide, I want to try and write everyday for the next 100 days. See what prompts I can cover, what inspiration I find (if any), and do something just for the pleasure of doing it.  LOTR Book Club: So far we have read The Fellowship of the Ring and half of Two Towers.