It was that bad, maybe even worse- day 18

Sometimes I look back on how I behaved the year following my husband leaving me, and I judge that girl. Why couldn't you pick yourself up? Was it really THAT BAD? Did you have to behave like such an absolute beast?

But after going through this experience the last week, it has reminded me of how absolute pain is. How pain and sadness and worry and angst won't loosen its grip on you, even for a second. It has reminded me of how worry robs all your space for creativity and forward thinking. Grief is all encompassing, isolating, and numbing. 

The difference now is I have a solid partner by my side, who is in this sadness with me, yet is my firm ground to stand on. Instead of causing me this pain, he is enduring it with me. 

Today when I got the bad news, I sobbed in front of coworkers, stared at a wall mindlessly, felt out of body as I left work early and drove home. I immediately thought of the girl who I was 4 years ago. How my brain could barely function, how I didn't even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror, how people would talk to me and I wouldn't hear a word they said.

And I apologized to her for forgetting what she was put through. I accepted all that she had done in the midst of it. And I applauded her for getting here. 

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