Advice from someone who shouldn't give advice- Day 7

There is a lot of advice out there on setting boundaries, and most of what I am about to say probably contracts all of that. So take from it what you will.

Throughout my life, I have set boundaries, and it has cost me relationships. In college, I couldn't take the constant emotional dumping my roommate was piling on me. I set a boundary with her, and she never spoke to me again...and we lived together... yikes. At work I set a boundary with a coworker, she made work so uncomfortable I could hardly stand being there. In my first marriage, I tried to set boundaries, and my husband left me. 

You could say I am ultimately better off for these losses, their emotional immaturity and disrespect for my limits was unhealthy and toxic.

But now, with my few lasting friendships, at my third school district, and on my second marriage, I am much slower and more cautious to set boundaries.

Whenever I feel in conflict, defensive, or unheard, I ask myself two questions:

First: Is this a hill I am willing to die on?

And I mean die on. Am I willing to lose it all- my husband, my home, my job, my friendships, my financial security- for THIS cause. And keep in mind, I have lost all of those things before. 

Is it that important to me?

and if not... I ask myself the second question:

Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?

Because sometimes I know, in my heart of hearts, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I am right. But no amount of talking, explaining, or "put yourself in my shoes"-ing will change the other persons heart and mind. So, I can know my truth, lay down my arms, and let it go. 

Some people make argue that this could lead to you being a doormat or allowing others take advantage of you. And maybe they're right, but I have not found that to be the case. In fact the more that I "die to self" and deny my ego the ability to dictate how people should or shouldn't behave toward me, I have found myself more free than ever.