Cyclothymia Fear- Day 3

Anyone who has suffered from depression can tell you what a wonderful feeling it is to have reignited interest in old hobbies. But for me, it can be a time of mixed emotions. 

I specially suffer from Cyclothymia, which is a mood disorder similar too, but less severe than, bipolar I and II. My manic and depressive episodes span over the course of years; I will dive into my experience and eventual diagnosis another time. 

I am pretty aware that I am in a season of mania right now. I can tell in a few ways, and it makes me kind of happysad. I've been ferociously reading, I've started writing again, I'm talkative and happy, I have been working out and enjoying my physical body. 

All these things are great, and I am so glad to be in this place. 

But I know myself.

I know my disorder. 

And I wonder- when will this all start slipping away again? 

One day, I won't feel like writing. Then, I'll be too tired to read. I'll have no desire to workout or eat healthy, then I'll start to despise my body. I'll feel ugly and won't want to socialize...it happens slowly, but surely.  

How long until that happens? 6 months? A year? If I'm lucky, two? 

Living with cyclical episodes of mania and depression makes any type of progress seem fake and fickle. However, I am trying to live in the present, but prepare for the future. 

I have been fortunate enough to have a family that takes mental health very seriously, and I have learned a lot alongside them. Someone close to me taught me about having "anchors", and when those anchors begin to slip, it's time to get help. An example of an anchor would be brushing my teeth twice a day, every day. That is something measurable that a person who is mentally well would be able to accomplish. 

So I hope that I will be able to recognize more quickly this next time I begin to slip into depression, and will be able to get the medication and therapies needed. 

I have also learned about Ketamine Infusions and TMS therapy. Of course I would speak to professionals and go through the proper channels, but these are two forms of treatment I have researched and seen success with in others. 

It might be futile, but making a plan at least gives me the illusion that I have some control over the mood disorder that has ebbed and flowed within me my entire life.