Lie #2 If I had just done what he wanted, he wouldn't have left me. day 91

Lie #2: If I had just done what he wanted, he wouldn't have left me.

Ahhh yes, when our abusers lies become the voice inside our own heads. If I had just done everything he wanted, he would have stayed. When you say that lie to yourself, I hope you have the eye opening realization- your husband didn't want a wife, he wanted a servant and a sex toy.

I hated the birth control pill. HATED it. I'm so glad now women are finally uniting and talking about the absolute poison that is "The Pill".  The pill made me have a full blown period twice a month, no matter which brand they would switch me to. I was constantly nauseous, had horrible headaches, and tender breasts. Additionally, the pill was changing my mood. I remembered Googling "I think my birth control is making me crazy" and seeing thousands upon thousands of message boards of women expressing how negatively the pill was effecting their mental state. So, I decided I was going to stop taking it. I was 27, married, my husband and I were making a combined household income of $150,000. We could handle a baby, if we had to. Plus, there are other birth control options we could look into. 

When I told my husband I was going to stop taking the pill, he started bawling and screaming and punching the bed. He said I was trying to trick him into getting pregnant, that I was trying to ruin our lives. He didn't give one shred of a shit about the physical and emotional anguish I was feeling. When I stood my ground and told him this was my body and my choice, he cut off all physical love and affection. Occasionally he would get drunk and have sex with me, but the whole next day he would be upset and anxious and berate me to take the "morning after pill". I realized this man never had any intention of creating a family with me. He didn't want to see me become a mother, he just wanted a sex toy. I felt so hollow and alone. 

Should I have just done what he wanted? Because then maybe, maybe he wouldn't have left me?

No.  Because a husband who views you as a sex object, not as a complex, unique, worthy human being, never will. 

Other things I thought "if I had just done what he wanted.."

1. He wanted me to be his constant drinking buddy. Always wanted to get blackout drunk and wanted me there with him. But god forbid if I got "sloppy" and ruined his night. 
2. He wanted his house spotlessly clean, but never help.
3. He wanted two, huge German Shepherd dogs, but didn't want to help care for them. 
4. He could spend any amount of money he wanted, but every one of my purchases was scrutinized. 
5. He wanted his parents to be THE FAMILY we spent time with, my family always came last. 
6. He wanted his groceries shopped for him and meals cooked for him to the perfect Paleo standard. If I made something with an unacceptable ingredient in it, he would refuse to eat it.

Can you imagine if we had children?! The amount of servitude would increase 1,000 fold, the amount of criticism and demand for perfection would never end. 

Was your husband like this? Were you his servant, making sure his kingdom was run perfectly, his ego was stroked, and his life in order? And still, you weren't good enough. Because maybe the house was spotless and the meals flawless and the finances managed, but you weren't "fun" anymore. You were always tired from doing his bidding and now he thinks you're a drag. What happened to the care free girl he once knew? Uhhhh... you killed her, asshole!