Lie #1 I'm uglier and fatter than when he first met me, so I deserved it. - day 90

 

Lie #1:  I'm uglier and fatter than when he first met me, so I deserved it. 

During my divorce, I thought this lie every.single.day. Now to be fair, a big part of why my husband left me was because I was, in fact, uglier and fatter than when he met me. Meaning I had turned 27, gained five pounds, and added low lights to my previously platinum blond hair. And he was disgusted by me. 

Maybe you're like me. Maybe you look in the mirror and see more wrinkles, more cellulite, more fat, gray hairs, and sagging boobs. Maybe you look at yourself and think, "Of course he left, who could love this?" And it is the most painful, hurtful lie you can tell yourself. 

Despite what he tells you, you aren't lazy, you aren't worthless, you didn't choose this. 

Imagine with me: You wake up at 5:30 to shower and get ready for work. Your kids are up by 6:00, needing diaper changes, faces washed and teeth brushed. Everyone's backpacks need checking, breakfast needs making, lunches need packing. You get everyone piled in the car, dropped off, and head to work. Your day is filled with emails, meetings, and calls. After eight and a half hours you trudge to the car, blast the A/C and head to pick up. At home dinner needs making, laundry needs running, homework needs doing. (and this is on a day when no one has soccer, ballet, or karate). Everyone needs to be bathed, read to, loved on, put to bed. Dishes and leftovers are waiting to be put up downstairs. You clean the house, check bags for tomorrow, shower yourself. You finally lay down in your robe to decompress, and kiddo number one is out of bed and at your door. 

This 24 hour cycle continues for 10-15 years, and one day your husband comes home and has the audacity to tell you that you've "let yourself go" and he's leaving you because of it. 

What was missing in the above scenario? Lack of time? Lack of support? Maybe even lack of information, like specific dietary needs or thyroid issue? 

For me, the lack of information was undiagnosed mental illness, specially cyclothymia, a type of bipolar disorder. I was so sad and paralyzed and didn't know why; my old hobbies like exercising, reading, cooking, and writing had all washed away, and try as I might to put my head under water and kick and stroke and push and try to swim after them, they slipped further and further from my grip. When I would express this sense of loss to my ex, he would blank stare me, then leave for the gym. To him, I was just a floundering, lazy piece of shit. Not his wife crying out for rescue.  

TO BE CLEAR: Reasons you may have gained weight that have nothing to do with being a lazy piece of shit:

• Being overworked
• Lack of support
• Depression/Anxiety
• Pregnancy and childbirth
• Chronic pain
• Chronic illness
• Injury 

All the above mentioned issues deserve a loving and loyal partner, who is there to care for you in sickness and in health. You need help getting antidepressants? He help you find a doctor and drives you to the appointment. You need more time and support? Every Tuesday and Thursday he is on kid duty while you're at the gym. You just had his child? He worships your every steps and thanks you endlessly for bringing life into the world. Those are the acts of a loving husband. Not blame. Not name calling. Not tough love. And certainly, not abandonment.

If appearance is worth a divorce, that means it is worth some serious money to him. Like lawyer fees, dividing up assets, alimony kinda money. So, could you be able to negotiate price with a man like that? Instead of a $5,000 retainer for your divorce lawyer, could he give it to you for new clothes, Botox, filler, and trainer? No. Because here is the truth- with a man like that, it goes deeper than how you look. 

You could lose the 10, 20, 50 pounds, and he would still leave. You could get a $20,000 mommy makeover, and he would still be out the door. See, to a normal person, the appearance of a partner is important, but not vital. For a normal person, attraction becomes deeper and more complex as a relationship matures. While physical appearance may wane, your emotional, spiritual, and familial bond to that person strengthen. Your ability to love them more than yourself becomes second nature. Their indelible value as a human being, and child of God, makes them worthy of all your love, loyalty, affection, and care. 

But a man who is unable to grow in his love for you like that, is a stunted being. A man who cannot mature beyond this 18 year old horny sex-obsessed self is not someone who will care for you as you age, but will resent you for being an inconvenience. A man who will leave you for gaining five pounds won't sit by you while you are on bed rest, pregnant with his children. A man who says you've "let yourself go", won't have any sympathy for you when you're hurting.

 And if, you are somehow able, to bend to his will, and look like the Barbie doll he so desperately desires, he will move the goal post. He loves to yell, "Jump" while you bound upward asking, "How high?"

No. A man who leaves you because of what you look like is no man at all. And I'm sorry you ever crossed paths with him. 

The Truth:

1. Bodies are meant to grow, age, and change. Yours is no exception.
2. No one chooses to gain weight, there is always an underlying factor. How can we get to the bottom of the issue, in order to lead a long and healthy life?
3. Love is not conditional. Love transcends the physical form. Love is God-breathed, and has nothing to do with how you look.