From break down to break through- day 1

This morning I couldn't stand the thought of getting out of bed. I've slept horribly the past week, getting up at night because I can't get comfortable with my big belly, unable to fall back asleep for hours. 

This morning I couldn't stand the thought of walking into my classroom and teaching the same lesson I've taught, over and over, for ten years. This morning I felt like if I had to explain compound and complex sentences one more time, I'd scream. I'll lose my mind if I had to open up The Outsiders to page one and start reading it aloud....again. 

How can I feel like life if so chaotic and yet so monotonous at the same time? I feel like I never have a moment to just sit and think, yet somehow life feels like it is moving at a glacial pace. 

This morning I cried. Hard. I cried out all my feelings to Andrew, most of them making no sense to either of us. 

I said, "I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start, but I don't even know what I mean by that."

I want my baby girl here, now. 

I want a new career, now. 

I want to feel settled in my new home, now. 

I want my annulment approved, now.

But this morning, Tuesday, October 19th, I can't do anything about those things. I have to wait. I have to grind it out. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing the next right thing, and allow time to pass.  

Andrew observed: You're not writing like you used to. You're not making funny game for your friends like you used to. You have to put your energy back into what sparks life into you. 

And he couldn't be more right.

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