Panic Attack- day 70

This morning I had one of the top 3 worst panic attacks I have ever had in my life. 

I had a horrible nightmare last night, so realistic and upsetting I can't bear to say what it was about, but it startled me awake at 4:00, soaking wet with sweat. I sat upright and tried to breathe and felt like my chest was collapsing in. I walked out of our bed room and paced back and forth in the hallway trying to breathe. I slid down the wall and finally caught a breath, but then was having the strangest sensation. I felt like I wasn't real. I remembered something my therapist told me, to feel concrete things. Feel your butt on the ground, feel your back on the wall, feel your hands on your thighs, feel that you are real. 

But that wasn't working.

All my brain continued to do was replay, over and over, some of the worst moments of my life. Some that I had inflicted on others, and some that others had inflicted on me. I couldn't get out of the thought spiral, so I called for Andrew.

When he saw me, he hardly had to ask what was happening, even though I have never broken down this badly in front of him before. He slid down on the floor in front of me and grabbed my hands with his. 

"You are real, you are here. That was a nightmare, it wasn't real. Now say it back to me."

"I'm real, I'm here. That was a nightmare, it wasn't real."

"You're here, I'm here, you're safe."

"I'm here, you're here, I'm safe."

(vows more meaningful than wedding vows)

I was still pretty shaky the rest of the morning. I put on a diffuser with some calming essential oils and did a 20 minute yoga breathing video on YouTube, which helped a ton.