Workout Widow - day 28

I've heard the term "widow" used in multiple ways from women who try to laugh off their husband's shitty behavior. Things like:

"I'm a single parent Monday through Friday... what can I say, I'm a Salesman's Widow!"

"My husband is gone every weekend, life of a Golfer's Widow."

"I'm on my own all through the fall, it is such a tough time being a Coach's Widow."

And I have a new one for y'all- I was a Workout Widow. Or a Meathead's Widow? Gym Rat's Widow? Take your pick. 

My ex-husband was (still is) obsessed with working out.

I will never forget the conversations we had about his workout addiction, some of which I believe resulted in him leaving me. 

When I first moved to Houston to be with my ex, he was working a job where he traveled Sunday-Thursday. So I spent most of my evenings with my roommate, or working out at a gym near my school. I was always so envious of the husband and wife duos that would meet up for workouts, partner up for strength training. and leave together sweating and smiling. When my ex got his new job (that his dad handed to him lol) I was so happy he wouldn't be traveling anymore, and we could finally spend more time together. The first thing I did was join his CrossFit gym! I was so excited to be one of those couples I had previously envied.

But my ex was not excited to have me join. 

Whenever we would show up to CrossFit together, he took on a new persona I was unfamiliar with. He would act like he didn't even know me, and he would never pair up with me. He started going to class times he knew I was unable to attend because of my work schedule, or he would sign up for the "advanced" CrossFit classes that I wasn't eligible for. I would ask him why he was purposefully behaving this way when I had specifically joined the gym as a way for us to grow closer, and have an activity together, and for me to share in something he loved. He never gave me a clear answer on that. 

I remember one particularly bad fight went like this: I was about to leave for a long weekend to see my family. My ex had been working late every single night, coming home, immediately changing, and leaving for the gym for a few hours, return home, warm up the dinner I had already made and eaten alone, sit on the couch by himself eating and watching tv while I was already in bed. So the night before I left, I begged him, please, please don't go to the gym. Please, stay home and eat dinner with me, I'm so lonely and I've been missing you so much, please just stay here and eat with me. 

He put on his clothes and left. 

I remember another time, he finally came home at a decent time from work and I told him we needed to talk. I told him how depressed I was, how I was feeling lost and unhappy, that I didn't know how to fix myself and I felt like my mind was sand slipping through fingers.... he blank stared me and finally said, 

"I'm going to the gym."

As I sit here writing this, it makes me sad. I really loved him, and he so very clearly hated me. Wanted nothing to do with me. Didn't get any joy for me being around. 

I still don't understand so much of what happened, I think if I am honest with myself and admit to myself what I don't want to acknowledge, his behavior finally adds up. He was cheating on me. He was having an affair. Probably with someone from the gym. 

Workout Widow indeed.