Almost 4 years- day 27

May has been an icky time for me the past few years. In May of 2017, my husband left me. Like, abandoned me. Walked in from work, two weeks after my brother had just moved in with us for the summer, two weeks before our one year wedding anniversary, and told me he was filing for divorce in the morning,.. and May has been hard ever since. 

May of 2018 was hard

May of 2019 was hard

May of 2020 was hard 

and this May is hard.

You may think I'm weak for still being sad, but I think it makes me strong. I think the ability to feel and love and mourn and care are qualities that only reside in the best of us. I think people who move on from things quickly don't know how to really love. I mean REALLY love. When you treat people like disposable waste, you don't mourn throwing them away. 

This May, as I sit here in my classroom writing this, I'm the happiest I have ever been. And I am no fool, I know hardship is right around the corner, it always is. But I have a husband, a son, a loving family, a home, a career, a savings account (finally lol) and so much more. However, all of those things can be lost, just as I have lost them all before. I think what I have now, that I didn't have before, is an inner strength. 

In Lord of the Rings, Frodo and Sam have to pass through Mordor to destroy the One Ring. Mordor is described as a place of death, despair, and darkness; a metaphorical hell. Great heroes from the Odyssey and Aeneid alike had to go through hell, confront the dead, and possibly even die themselves, to accomplish their great task.

And I have decided- that's me. That I am the hero of this story, and my quest to self discovery was thrust upon me by an evil man, and I endured hell, faced the dead, and nearly died myself, but fought forward and preserved to accomplish my great task. 

We great heroes know that our call to action was never something we wanted or saw coming. We great heroes know that in the midst of hell, all hope seems lost. We great heroes know that a true epic never ends, and our march must continue forward. 

We great heroes know that we had to bear the burden of greatness because of weaker, lesser men. And we know those weaker, lesser men caused us pain and destruction, that has a lasting impact. We great heroes know that our tale is told with passion, because it matters, because we hope that others can see the wickedness that we survived, and use it as a beacon of hope to continue forward.