Opposite of Girl Boss Energy- day 43

I think it makes people uncomfortable when you tell them you are happy with your life. I certainly makes capitalism and consumerism uncomfortable when you feel that way. 

I used to fall prey to the #GiRlBoSs energy. Platitudes like, "If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough!" used to me my mantras. Work harder, do more, get thinner, make more money, buy a newer car, get in better shape, have more designer clothes, get promoted, have a side hustle, win the competition, run a half marathon, then a full marathon, invest more, purchases a bigger house, go on more extravagant trips, get more likes, more followers, sell more, buy more, MORE, MORE, MORE! 

I went to Ireland three weeks after my husband left me. I was in a church, in a tiny town, sitting in a pew with my dad and sister. A small choir, made up of a grandmother, mom, and daughter snag throughout the mass, and little girls and boys dressed up in white proceeded to the front for their First Communion. And for the first time, it hit me. I wan this. I want a "boring" life. I want to go to church on Sundays in my small community. I want to have children that grow up in the faith. I don't want material shit anymore. It's vapor. I want what is real and good.

Sometimes I feel almost ashamed that I don't have career goals or body goals or a five year plan or bucket list or whatever. I'm just happy with where I am and with what I have. During my divorce, I lost all my material things and shallow friendships, and it opened my eyes to how all of that was complete nonsense. How much money I spent to impress the friends who would drop me like a hat, from buying clothes to wear around them, to buying them nice wedding gifts, or spending ridiculous amounts to go on their bachelorette parties and bridal showers. How I exhausted myself to prove what a great friend I was, how I stretched my finances thin. And how I reaped nothing from it but pain when I realized it was all for nothing. And losing all of that, having the façade crumble down, and was freed from it. 

Now, I don't worry about what I wear around Andrew's friends and their wives. Like it or don't, this is my outfit. I don't worry about posting luxurious trips on my Instagram- lets be honest, no one cares about your trip except you OR it makes them jealous, and they hate you for that. I don't worry about the fact that we are renting a home right now. One day, maybe we'll buy one, or maybe we won't. It doesn't matter, it's all vapor. 

I hope that no one else has to lose everything to realize, it was nothing worth holding on so tightly too in the first place. I hope that I continue to feel content and at peace. I hope that consumerism don't slither its way back into my heart again. I hope that the freedom I found in letting go of all desire and want stays with me.