A torn knee and a divorce

When I was 15 years old, I tore my ACL while warming up at tumbling class. That evening at the Emergency Room, I had no idea that my promising athletic career had come to an abrupt end. Months of waiting on a donor tendon caused atrophy in my leg, weight gain in the rest of my body, and heavy depression in my young mind. We finally went ahead with a surgery that stripped one-third of my hamstring that replaced my torn ligament. Surgery was followed by months physical therapy, pain, and recovery. Though it has technically healed, my teenage injury continues to limit me. I have stability issues when doing certain leg exercises and occasional pain and soreness from where they harvested my my hamstring.

When I was 27 years old, my husband left me. That evening as I stood in our kitchen I had no idea that my new marriage was coming to an abrupt and painful end. Months of being yanked around by my ex lead to a depression so deep, I wanted my life to end. When he finally went ahead and dissolved our marriage, he left me with a heart so shattered and mind so tormented, I could barely function. Divorce was followed by months of therapy, pain, and recovery. Though my heart has technically healed, I continue to have residual pain from the experience.

Whenever I tell people about the divorce and heartbreak I went through, often times I am met with platitudes like, "But look at the wonderful life you have now!" Which is absolutely true, but doesn't change the fact that I went through pain and suffering. 

On days when my knee hurts from an over 15 year old injury, I don't chastise my leg by saying, "Why are you hurting, knee? Don't you see how all the muscles surrounding you are strong and supporting you? Why aren't you more grateful toward this body that healed you? It's been 15 years, move on, get over it, stop hurting!"

But that's not how physical pain works...scar tissue and old injuries flare up and ache and we don't judge our bodies. We know it is just a side effect of the trauma we endured. Why can't we give the metaphorical scar tissue on our hearts the same amount of grace and understanding?

When a painful memory or ache from my divorce randomly comes up and brings me down, why does it have to be met with criticism. "Why are you hurting, Peyton? You have such a loving husband and healthy son! You should be more grateful for what you have now! Its been over 3 years, shouldn't you be over it?" 

But that's not how emotional pain works...I believe that I will always have scar tissue from that traumatic injury my ex inflicted on me. I think that just like my knee, I will learn to live with it and modify life around it.