Transition

I'm in a transitional period in life and it is uncomfortable.

My entire existence I have had goals with timelines, dreams I could work to achieve, and a life-plan that was conventional and certain.

I graduated high school, went to Texas A&M.
I studied to be a teacher.
I graduated, got a teaching job.
I fell in love, got married.

While married, I laid more goals with timelines (have children), dreams I could work to achieve (perfect my educational craft), and continued to pursue the conventional and certain.

But then my husband left me.

My goals, dreams, and desires left me as well.

I was not longer "Peyton". I was Sadness. I was Despair. I was Grief.
There was no future to look forward to. No life I wanted any part of. Things that used to interest me seemed pointless. I couldn't bare seeing friends. I would wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Everything felt painful and dark.

I am no longer living in those dark days.

However, I am still somewhere I don't want to be.

I don't feel driven to accomplish any goals. I don't have any dreams I want to work toward. I am no longer interested in the conventional. And I know damn well nothing is certain.

I remember reading an article about how to heal after divorce and it said, "Achieve that goal you had put aside while you were married!"
And all I could think was, "Everything I ever wanted to achieve requires me to be married..."
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to me a wife and mother. To be honest, wanting to be a mom was the biggest factor in me choosing my career as a teacher. Wife was my goal. Mother was my dream.

Now, I don't have anything I want to accomplish. I don't want to run a marathon or read the entire bible or travel. I don't have any desire to throw myself into my work or grow as an educator or pursue a new career. I don't even want to get married again.

And I don't like this feeling. I don't. It is uncomfortable and unfamiliar and it does not feel right.
If I'm not on the daily pursuit of XYZ, what am I doing? Existing? Going through the motions? Living life on auto pilot?

As uncomfortable and unsettling as this feels, it is where I am.
It is my truth. My reality.

I have tattooed on my arm, "this too shall pass". When I got it, it was to remind myself that the pain I was experiencing would not last forever.
As I sit here in this mundane transitional time, I try to remind myself that it will pass.
I will have dreams and hopes again.
I will look forward to the future again.
I will strive to live my best life again.

But not right now. Not today.