Sunday, May 13, 2018

Transition

I'm in a transitional period in life and it is uncomfortable.

My entire existence I have had goals with timelines, dreams I could work to achieve, and a life-plan that was conventional and certain.

I graduated high school, went to Texas A&M.
I studied to be a teacher.
I graduated, got a teaching job.
I fell in love, got married.

While married, I laid more goals with timelines (have children), dreams I could work to achieve (perfect my educational craft), and continued to pursue the conventional and certain.

But then my husband left me.

My goals, dreams, and desires left me as well.

I was not longer "Peyton". I was Sadness. I was Despair. I was Grief.
There was no future to look forward to. No life I wanted any part of. Things that used to interest me seemed pointless. I couldn't bare seeing friends. I would wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Everything felt painful and dark.

I am no longer living in those dark days.

However, I am still somewhere I don't want to be.

I don't feel driven to accomplish any goals. I don't have any dreams I want to work toward. I am no longer interested in the conventional. And I know damn well nothing is certain.

I remember reading an article about how to heal after divorce and it said, "Achieve that goal you had put aside while you were married!"
And all I could think was, "Everything I ever wanted to achieve requires me to be married..."
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to me a wife and mother. To be honest, wanting to be a mom was the biggest factor in me choosing my career as a teacher. Wife was my goal. Mother was my dream.

Now, I don't have anything I want to accomplish. I don't want to run a marathon or read the entire bible or travel. I don't have any desire to throw myself into my work or grow as an educator or pursue a new career. I don't even want to get married again.

And I don't like this feeling. I don't. It is uncomfortable and unfamiliar and it does not feel right.
If I'm not on the daily pursuit of XYZ, what am I doing? Existing? Going through the motions? Living life on auto pilot?

As uncomfortable and unsettling as this feels, it is where I am.
It is my truth. My reality.

I have tattooed on my arm, "this too shall pass". When I got it, it was to remind myself that the pain I was experiencing would not last forever.
As I sit here in this mundane transitional time, I try to remind myself that it will pass.
I will have dreams and hopes again.
I will look forward to the future again.
I will strive to live my best life again.

But not right now. Not today.

Monday, March 19, 2018

New Home


I posted this photo on my Instagram Story


and a ton of girls DMed me asking where I found certain items, so I put everything (with links) on here!

Headboard: Ashley Furniture Dolante Queen Upholstered Bed 


Blanket: Pendleton Mesquite Canyon Saddle Blanket


Buffalo Print: Etsy LILAxLOLA


Lamps: Wayfair Keystone Iron Lantern

Macramé: Made by yours truly! Youtube Tutorial from Chelsea Saddler





Friday, February 9, 2018

Who He Was

I know his name. I know his face. I know his scent. I know his quirks. Yet I still do not know who he is. However, I can tell you who he was. He was my best friend. My love. My confidant. He was the man who quashed all my fears and insecurities when he put his arms around me. He was a dedicated employee who rarely complained about work. He was devoted to his friends. He was the man who ensured me I would be a good mother. He was loyal, smart, and funny as hell. He loved HBO, German Shepherds, and time at the gym. He was obsessed with his Sonicare toothbrush and protein powders. He took pride in his appearance, his wardrobe, his physique. He would shy away when I would comment on how handsome he was. He was the man who sent me flowers on Valentine's Day and promised me I would never have a February 14th without them. He was my everything.

He was all of these things, and yet he was the man who left his new bride two weeks before their one year wedding anniversary. He was the man who made me feel lonely, even when he was in the room. He was the man who began acting like a bachelor while he was still married. He was the man who strung me along for months, making empty promises of reconciliation. He was the man who prioritized his selfish hobbies and former frat bros in front of his wife. He was the man who listened to me confess my deep depression and simply blank stared me. He was the man who watched me sob on the floor, and walked out of the room. 

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Quotes that comforted me during heartbreak



  • "I can say, with great certainty and absolute honesty, that I did not know what love was until I knew what love was not."



  • "Since walking through my own divorce, I have come to the conclusion that God hates divorce because of the immense pain and suffering it causes his children. It is far less about sin and far more about his father's heart for us."



  • "The reason God allowed him to walk away is because you prayed for a good man, and he wasn't it."



  • "Even the darkest hour has only sixty minutes."



  • "When people treat you like they don't care, believe them."



  • "Let go of the marriage you thought you had. You are in love with a lie, this is just the truth that you don't want to face."



  • "This too shall pass"



Friday, November 4, 2016

Meet Heidi!

We are officially your stereotypical newlyweds who go out and buy a puppy.
Baby Heidi was born on July 4th, 2016. She is a black and red long haired German Shepherd and has officially stolen my heart!
About to be adopted!
Vet visits are exhausting

Heidi with our 8.5 year old GSD Luke

Heidi is my first ever puppy so I am learning a lot as I go. Erik has been so helpful and patient! Our pup has the sweetest little personality and has added so much life to the Jaynes home!

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Seattle, WA

Erik and I took a long weekend get away to Seattle. We left Wednesday afternoon and returned home Sunday evening. It was the perfect amount of time to sight see and relax!
Pike Place
One of our first stops- The Original Starbucks in Pike Place Market

The roast that made Starbucks a hit around the world!
Original logo
Chihuly Garden and Glass


View of the Space Needle

We rented a car and took a quick day trip to the Snoqualmie Waterfalls. I originally wanted to go to Mount Rainier but unfortunately the weather did not agree with that plan! The waterfall was wonderful and we had an amazing time drinking Irish Coffees snuggled up together.



We enjoyed restaurant and bar hopping all over the city. Friends gave us tons of recommendations, from classy Elliot's Oyster House to a crass hole-in-the-wall Biscuit Bitch, we enjoyed them all!
The Seattle Great Ferris Wheel
Pride street crossing in Capitol Hill
Lots of champagne was consumed at Oddfellows!

Thanks for the great memories Seattle!

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Favorite Reads


From romance to murder mysteries to Christian literature, here are a few of my favorite books:

1. The Story Teller by Jodi Picoult

Every.single.person that I have recommend this book to has loved it! I, personally, have read it twice. There is no way I could do justice to this book with a summary, so check it out here. Buy it today, you will thank me.

2. The Husband's Secret by Laine Moriarty

Y'all, I read this book in 28 hours. Yes it was in the summer and I wasn't working but still. Talk about a captivating read! Here's a teaser from Amazon:

"Cecilia Fitzpatrick has achieved it all—she’s an incredibly successful businesswoman, a pillar of her small community, a devoted wife and mother. Her life is as orderly and spotless as her home. But that letter is about to change everything—and not just for her. There are other women who barely know Cecilia—or each other—but they, too, are about to feel the earth-shattering repercussions of her husband’s secret." 

3. Dark Places by Gillian Flynn

Gillian Flynn, who is also the author of Gone Girl, knows all too well how to write a haunting murder mystery. This is a book you won't be able to put down, and when you do drag yourself away from it, the darkness lingers with you for awhile. It a great read with an interesting twist you don't see coming.


4. Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks

In my opinion, Nicholas Sparks movies never live up to the depth and beauty of his writing. Safe Haven is about a woman named Katie who is being abused by her alcoholic husband. She knows it is only a matter of time before his drunken violence ends in her death. This story shows the strength of a woman who desires freedom more than anything.

5. Everyday a Friday by Joel Olsteen

I read this book during a tough time in life and man, did it help me out. Olsteen challenges his reader to see life from a different perspective and live joyfully everyday. It may sound cheesy, but it is far from.
Something he wrote about that stuck with me is complaining about work. He talks about how we don't want to get up early, stay late, deal with colleagues, bosses, etc. But then he challenges you to think about what it would be like if you got fired from that job and went months unemployed. He asks you to think about how grateful and happy you would be to accept that job back. The very job you loathed would become a source of joy. It is all about perspective.
Very uplifting read!


What should I put next on my reading list? I'm always hungry for more books!